Today’s parent is different. I mean you, me and all of us in the parenting business. I say different because we are little evolved, little more aware, more open, progressive, thoughtful but… a bit confused.
I remember, when I misbehaved as a child, if I was lucky I got a huge and intimidating lecture, but sometimes I would be slapped and sent to my room. My parents knew very clearly how to deal with me. No confusion, no second thoughts, no guilt. They hardly bothered about the psychological effects of spanking and I never thought of becoming defiant or rebellious. I was scared of them.
Skipping few years and landing on to the present, I too want my child to grow up knowing right from wrong and behaving well but I don’t want them to be scared of me. Yes, I read a lot about parenting, attend positive parenting workshops, talk to parenting gurus which clearly shows that I am more open to new ways, more mindful and thoughtful (or at least try to ) but still I find the whole drama of dealing with an unacceptable behavior thrown by my child – little overwhelming. Simply because I don’t know what to do. I disapprove of what my parents did and at the same time, I myself don’t know the apt way. Hence, I am confused!!
Also, my busy professional life makes me feel guilty about spending less time with my child and so I generally end up being too lenient.
Does all this resonate with you? If yes, let’s explore some ways – few “new” and some “old” fashioned ones.
1. Be in the best parenting type: As we know, parenting is classified into 4 categories (Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Negligent). Research has shown that the best behaved, most well-adjusted and resourceful children have parents who take “Authoritative” rather than a traditional, authoritarian or permissive style.
Authoritative Parenting is what I best read somewhere – Fun, Firm, Fair but not Flaky.
Parents are the in charge but in a kind, considerate way that seeks to explain and educate children about the consequences of their actions rather than simply expecting compliances and obedience.
2. Behavior Management Hack : Create, find some easy, interesting hacks to control or manage those tantrums or misbehavior. It could be like having a marble or pasta jar, where a marble or pasta is added to the jar for a good behavior or taken away as a punishment. When the jar is full or a target number is reached, children receive a reward (need not be a materialistic one but could be any alluring activity). These interesting hacks are a great tool if you have a primary school age kid. It avoids the tantrums, screaming, howling, lying on the floor drama, throwing things etc etc.
3. Rewards are always more positive than punishment: Rewarding good behavior makes it clear what you do want your child to do. The reward need not be something of monetary value, but it could be some extra time at park or an additional bed time story or choosing the Saturday night family TV programme, a café trip at the weekend or to an amusement park. Create your ‘Golden Time’ list which will help you in picking one as a reward. Whatever you end up choosing, the reward needs to press their “motivating buttons”.
A word of caution is that you must not provide the reward if they have not behaved suitably, otherwise this will undermine the whole thing and render it pointless.
4. Praise: Traditional way but powerful.
All of us love praise and children are no exception. In the foundation years, their self-esteem thrives on this. However, there is a tendency nowadays for some of us to over praise, which not only dilutes the impact but also makes the child think “really”!
Keep what you say specific so that they will know exactly what they have done well and will be encouraged to do so again in future.
5. Let smacking RIP in old parenting books: We do have many parents who claim that smacking didn’t do them any harm while growing hence they don’t mind passing the legacy. My 2 cents is to “ignore them”. Smacking is clearly an ineffective punishment, as it does nothing to explain to a child what they did wrong and what they should have done differently. And most importantly, it sets a bad example; that if you are angry, annoyed or someone does something you don’t like, its ok to use physical force. There are better ways to encourage children to do well.
6. Children like predictability. Make use of that: The more children know what’s expected of them, the better they will behave as they like predictability. Make few family rules which are consistent, clear and easy to understand and execute. Involve children while making them. By doing this, you are automatically giving them the responsibility to follow. Review them time to time as your children grow and change. One such rule I strongly advocate is “ 7 to 9, No Screen Time”. Keep these evening 2 hours screen free. Make them as your family time. Do any activity as a family. Play board games, go out for a walk, listen music, discuss a book, discuss your day, plan a vacation or a weekend trip. Do whatever suits your family but be firm that none of you get busy in any screen – TV, mobiles, laptop, video games, Nothing.
7. Choose your battles: Give your child some control over certain aspects of their life. This can be tremendously cut down the continuous nagging, ultimately leading to a respectful relation. Although this absolutely doesn’t mean letting them get away with poor behavior, but it means to realize that you should perhaps stop worrying about what outfits they choose, which books they should read etc. For elder children, it can be like letting them do their homework including time management as in planning study time and play time – all on their own.
8. Choose your words : Younger children don’t process negative instructions as quickly as positive ones, for example, “Please put your toys back” is easier for them to take in than, “don’t leave your toys on the floor.’ Another example could be, your little one spilled the milk or broke a vase (unintentionally). And you shouted on him, “Why did you do this?” Poor little soul got scared to death as he himself is unaware of that “Why” . It happened by mistake. Instead of frightening him, it would have been more thoughtful and mature on your part to have said, “What happened? Are you ok?” Let’s clean this together. By doing this, automatically you both are sharing the responsibility of cleaning it up. No fear. No crying. No unnecessary drama.
Lastly and most importantly, don’t be too critical too often and never label your child. Do give negative (read constructive) feedback as they need to be used to receiving reasonable criticism or they will fall to pieces the first time they get a bad school report or even a low grade.
It’s just that you need to keep track of how often you say those is a critical thing. Labelling is easily magnified by children and lead to them labelling themselves and living up to that label. And that is risky!
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